Thursday, January 5, 2012

Rent Paris Hilton's Real Estate Sloppy Seconds

The guys and gals over at Trulia Luxe reported earlier today that tabulebrity and reality television denizen Paris Hilton's former Los Angeles, CA party pad is up for temporary grabs at $16,000 per month, recently reduced from its original asking price of $20,000 per month.

Listing photos for the 1920s Spanish-style casa, perched just above the Sunset Strip on North King's Road, show the interior of the house just about exactly as it appeared when Miss Hilton occupied the house in the mid-Aughts, the white hot pinnacle of her gossip glossy ubiquity that sprang forth fully formed the well-timed leak of a home-made sex tape released in 2003 just before the premiere of her first (and wildly successful) reality show The Simple Life with former b.f.f. Nicole Richie. In August 2007, in the wake of 20-some days spent in the slammer for a probation violation that stemmed from a 2006 drunk driving incident, the then ever-present paparazzi who lurked around her house compelled young Miss Hilton to decamp her Sunset Strip digs and drop $5,900,000 on her current home, a much larger, 7,493 square foot mock-Med (mc)mansion in the guard gated Mulholland Estates community high in the mountains between Beverly Hills and Sherman Oaks.

Anyhoo, it appears to Your Mama that either Miss Hilton's real estate agent—her also (semi-)famous uncle Mauricio Umansky, smoldering co-star on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills—is utilizing old photos of the house from when it was done up in a classic, post-millennial High Hollywood Nightclub style or the current owners acquired the home fully decorated and haven't touched a god damn thing, not even the multiple, larger than life-sized portraits of Miss Hilton.

Now listen, cinnamon sticks, we know Miss Hilton had her day at the celebrity races and that for a good number of years the sometimes naughty-acting and occasional law-breaker held firm to the pole position amongst all the other many celebutantes who competed for attention from the celebrity "news" media. For chrissakes, she (and a sex tape) single-handedly launched Kim Kardashian into international infamy simply by association. 

That said, let's get honest for a moment, shall we? Beehawtcha Hilton, despite the almost violent media hysteria and vast money-making that her tabloid-tracked life generated, the lady's reign as the queen of the gossip glossies has done waxed and waned, at least for now. A low profile for the next few years, some intensive acting lessons, and a crackerjack agent who can gently bring her back with small but choice roles on both the tee-vee and silver screen might put her back on top of the heap. For now, however, Miss Hilton will have to make due with a slightly less high profile existence as a glamour puss businesswoman who heads up a billion dollar empire of fragrances, apparel and other Paris-branded products. Miss Hilton may be an heiress to a hotel fortune but she is also a mogul in her own right.

Listen children, we don't mean any disrespect to anyone but even a property gossip like Your Mama has certain standards. We're not talking about the house itself. Oh no, it's a fine Spanish style house built in 1926 and nestled into a steep hillside well above the street with gated off-street parking, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, updated systems and innards, and a small but flat back yard with swimming pool, wee patch of grass, and a couple of high-glam poolside tent cabanas. We love love love all the archways, the easy-peasy flow from in- to outdoors, and the fab staircase in the entry would be magnificent without all the decorative tarting up. There's also a desirable separate guest wing and home office, according to the listing, and one of the 4 bedrooms has been converted to the "ultimate" boutique-like dressing room and closet.

But, hunties, unless they've been removed, listing photos still show a stripper pole in the middle of the living room, dizzying wallpaper in the breakfast room, and a fully mirrored bathroom that would easily drive a drinker to take up dope. And did we mention the multiple, over-sized sexpot portraits of Paris Hilton? Yes, well there are those too.

One hopes the current owners, a couple from Texas as we may or may not correctly recall who paid $3,865,000 for the house according to property records, have pared down and cleared out the worst decorative offenses; A stripper pole? Really? Your Mama ain't no prude, puppies, but a stripper pole in the living room? Pleeze.

It's our opinion, which isn't worth a god damn thing, minus the shrine-like day-core Miss Hilton's former home would likely lease in a hot minute for sixteen thousand a month. Yes, that's an ass load of money to spend on the rent but no, children, it's not even remotely unusual for similar (and smaller) houses in prime areas of Los Angeles to rent for that amount of money.

Howevuh, iffin the day-core indeed remains all but unaltered from Miss Hilton's residency as is shown in the current listing photos—y'all will forgive Your Mama if this is offensive to anyone—we can't help but ask what sort of douche bag spends sixteen grand a month to live in Paris Hilton's sloppy real estate seconds and is that the kind of chap or chippie one really wants as a tenant in a multi-million dollar plus investment property? You decide. There is, as they say in real estate, a lid for every pot and at the right price—whatever it may be—there's certainly some salt for this pepper.

listing photos: The Agency via Trulia