Update: Birbaum Sues Gallin

Earlier today we passed along a scandalicious report from TMZ about Hollywood heavyweight Roger Birnbaum suing legendary talent manager turned high-end house flipper Sandy Gallin. Mister B claims the house he bought from Mister G back in 2007 now "leaks like a sieve" and he wants half a million dollars (or so) to make the appropriate repairs.



Your Mama just knew deep down in our dark heart this legal dispute was going to get bitterly vicious and we told the children to pop some popcorn and get ready for the fireworks. Sure enough, here they come, even sooner than we imagined and brighter than a supernova.



Ooo-wee, children. Brace yourselves. Mister Gallin may be a mincer but he's clearly not one to mince words when it comes to his real estate reputation. TMZ followed up with a second report that Mister Gallin filed a counter suit against Mister Birnbaum that positively hisses that '" [Birnbaum] is motivated by his well-known miserly and parsimonious behavior in his efforts to avoid paying for the roofing remodel himself, which he believes will increase the value of the property that is , embarrassingly to Birnbaum, worth less than what he paid for it.'''



Snap!

Kirstie Alley Wants to Sell Maine Estate

SELLER: Kirstie Alley

LOCATION: Isleboro, ME

PRICE: $2,350,000

SIZE: 3,371 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms



YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Every now and then Your Mama gets a ringy-dingy from a friendly snitch in a far off place we know little about who, for whatever reason(s), knows their celebrity real estate stuff backward and forward. Such was the case the other day when we awoke to a covert communique from an unknown informant we'll call Muffy Devareaux who tattled to Your Mama that Fat Actress and (once again) newly svelte Dancing With the Stars runner-up Kirstie Alley put her florid house in semi-remote Isleboro, ME on the market with an asking price of $2,350,000.



Public property records show Miss Alley's retreat on the rugged and dramatic coast of Maine was built in 1993, measures 3,371 square feet and that she acquired it in her own name in April 2003 for $1,150,000. Listing information, on the other hand, shows the 12-room clapboard-sided residence includes 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms in a suspiciously snug sounding 2,048 square feet. We don't know why the discrepancy in square footage but iffin we were the wagering type–and we're not–Your Mama would bet our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly both that Miss Alley's Isleboro hideaway is closer to 3,400 square feet than 2,000 square feet.



Once upon a time, in our long ago dewy youth, Your Mama occasionally visited Maine's gay-gay-gay seaside community of Ogunquit where our old and dear pal Flower's family owned a modest modernist cedar and glass summer home. Of course, being natural born contrarians, we only went north to Maine in the late fall and early winter when all the sunbathers had retreated like the tide back to whatever east coast community they called home during the more inclement months of the year. As much as we loved our trips to Maine, the truth is, we rarely ventured farther than the back yard so we know precious little about Maine in general and even less about the upscale summer enclave of Isleboro. A few minutes research on the interweb did teach Your Mama that the somewhat remote and very quiet community is accessible only by ferry or private plane, has long been a gathering spot for rugged blue bloods, Mayflower lock-jaws and various other wealthy folks, and counts at least one other property owner besides Miss Alley who is both a famous actor and a committed Scientologist. Since at least the late 1990s John Travolta and his long-time wife Kelly Preston have owned a massive Tudor Revival style pile on Isleboro all done up and did over with a very traditional English Country house type day-core that was featured in a 1999 issue of Architectural Digest.



Miss Alley's Isleboro getaway, scenically sited on a mild slope above Jones Cove has a bone-chilling but oddly interesting girly-grandma day-core that looks to Your Mama like a kind of geriatric homage to the explosive (and expensive) mixy-matchy floral print and multicolored chintz extravaganzas that made high-class decorator Mario Buatta rich and famous. Well, at least he's famous in the persnickety world of nice, gay decorators, design critics and magazine/blog editors.



Anyhoo, we're not sure who might be responsible for the frilly and almost frighteningly feminine day-core at Miss Alley's shore side cottage in Maine but it all looks to Your Mama like the still-sexy-at sixty Miss Alley dispersed an army of wild-eyed and budget-unencumbered assistants to scour flea markets and yard sales up and down the eastern seaboard to fill the house with old-school doo-dads and gew-gaws that reach back into the days when women were expected to be happy homemakers and domestic dervishes who bake, vacuum and launder day in and day out with a frozen smile on their face, an apron around their waist, and a cloth-diapered baby on each their broad child-bearing hips.



The one-noted decorative style aside, listing information shows luscious wide-plank wood floors run throughout the main living areas which include a few sitting rooms–some with fireplaces and vaulted ceilings with exposed beams–an intimately-scaled formal dining room with built-in buffet, and a country kitchen with Viking brand and retro-style appliances, and old-school marble counter tops. Open shelving display Miss Alley's rather extensive looking pastel-colored collection of vintage glass- and dishware. An enviably gigantic pantry has a dee-voon vaulted pitched vaulted ceiling, vintage wash sink, portable center work island with butcher block counter top, and row after row of open shelves where Miss Alley displays dozens of vintage vases and various other breakable tchotchke.



Each of the bedrooms and bathrooms were given the same effusive and powdery cottage-style decorative rigamarole as the home's more public rooms. The sleeping chambers and terliting facilities all look to Your Mama like the sort of über-quaint high-end bed and breakfast we avoid like the plague. Bed and breakfasts are fine for those who prefer to take their temporary accommodations with a heavy dose of antique cuteness, either authentic or faux. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter just prefer something less decoratively saccharine and aggressively charming.



Anyhoo, beautifully and lushly maintained gardens surround the house as do various porches and decks that exploit Maine's temperate summertime weather. At one end of the house a covered porch with outdoor fireplace makes for a shaded spot from which to survey the grassy grounds that slope gently towards the water. A dining deck off the main living rooms at the rear of the residence offers a more direct and dramatic view of the coastline through a sparse stand of tall trees. For the record, Your Mama can be an absolute push over for brightly colored things and we're jelly-kneed with desire for the octagonal picnic table and we die for the yellow umbrella trimmed like Ronald McDonald with a vigorous red-orange scallop.



A pathway with hand-carved handrail slopes from the back deck to the secluded estate's 634 feet of water's edge where a narrow wood dock stretches out over the lapping waters to a floating dock perfect for sunbathing, fishing–if you like fishing, which we do not–and parking watercraft.



Naturally we don't have any idea why Miss Alley would want to unload her flagrantly feminine house in Isleboro but, perhaps she just wants to lighten her rather heavy, costly, and high maintenance real estate load.



Miss Alley's other known real estate holdings are significant and include (but are not limited to) a gated estate with a 6,958 square foot mansion originally built in 1931 and located in a prime section of the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles that she bought back in September 2000 for $2,998,000. In March 2008, property records reveal Miss Alley dropped $1,800,000 for a 7,948 square foot mansion with 10 poopers in Clearwater, FL. Clearwater might seem a slightly unusual locale for a Tinseltowner to own a huge home but Clearwater happens to be the spiritual headquarters of the Church of Scientology, the religion to which Miss Alley is famously affiliated. Property records also indicate that Miss Alley owns several homes in her native Wichita, KS as well as a 300-plus acre ranch spread tucked deep into a remote canyon outside of Ashland, OR.



listing photos: Legacy Properties / Sotheby's International Realty

Legal Brief: Birnbaum Sues Gallin

Hold on to your legal britches bitches because it seems pop music superstar Rihanna isn't the only high profile person in Hollywood engaged in an ugly legal dispute over (alleged) construction defects and water proofing issues at a multi-million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills (CA).



According to gossip juggernaut TMZ Tinseltown tycoon Roger Birnbaum, currently co-CEO and co-Chairman of MGM–recently filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court against talent manager turned high-end house flipper Sandy Gallin. Mister Birnbaum's suit claims that not only did his swanky Bev Hills house began to leak last winter but that there are also significant dry rot and rust issues. He's seeking, as per the peeps at TMZ, $500,000 to cover repairs and related costs.



Mister Gallin, as per prop records and previous reports, paid $5,350,000 for a run down residence on a squeezy .39 acre flag lot in the lower Benedict Canyon area in November 2005. He transformed the house into a 7,187 square foot contemporary farmhouse wrapped in gray shingles. Stylistically the house (shown above in listing photos) could comfortably be picked up and dropped on to a farm view parcel in the Hamptons. Mister Gallin sold the casual but sophisticated residence to Mister Birnbaum in May 2007 for $16,500,000.



Your Mama discussed Mister Birnbaum's Gallinified mansion at length back in April 2009 when, less than two years after he bought the it, he had a real estate change of heart and flipped the property back on the market with a $16,000,000 price tag. As of this morning Mister Birnbaum's real estate thorn in his side has been on the open market 871 consecutive days without a single price reduction.



Current listing information states the mini-estate is "of unparalleled quality, timeless design, the finest materials and accoutrements." Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Given the legal matters at hand we are certainly not about to pass judgement as regards to the quality of the house. However, Mister Birnbaum's lawsuit a priori calls this characterization of the house into question. If he thinks he's had a tough time selling this house for $16,000,000–and 871 consecutive days on the market with no price reduction does indicate he's had a real devil of a time unloading his albatross–then a publicized lawsuit that alleges the house has serious defects and construction flaws will not likely help his plight. He has, by his lawsuit, turned this "estate of unparalleled quality" into something of a fixer upper with at least half a million clams in necessary repairs.



Of course, all this judicial ugliness does not mean that someone won't still and shortly fall in love with Mister Birnbaum's fixer and pay through the nose to buy it. However, all this business does suggest that he just might not be able to sell it for nearly as much as he originally hoped.



Certainly Mister Gallin could quickly and quietly cough up half million clams and be done with the matter but Your Mama fully expects that he'll lawyer up for an honest to goodness real estate cat fight. At that risk of sounding like we're giddy with schadenfreude–we're really not–somebody pop some popcorn and grab some Good & Plentys because multimillionaires who sue the developers of their super pricey properties just might turn into a fascinating trend of cinematic proportions.



listing photos: Everett Fenton Gidley for Westside Estate Agency

Did Piazza Sell to Piven?

SELLER: Mike Piazza

BUYER: (allegedly) Jeremy Piven

LOCATION: New York City, NY

PRICE: $4,582,125

SIZE: 3,012 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms



YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The New York Post reports today that Entourage actor Jeremy Piven recently acquired an approximately 6,000 square foot duplex penthouse in the same swank New York City building where comedian and lefty-liberal agitator Jon Stewart owns a lofty spread. The Post goes on to report that Mister Piven's "Muscular & voluminous" new pad in the downtown neighborhood known as TriBeCa has three bathrooms, 1,800 square feet of outdoor space and "once belonged to former Mets slugger Mike Piazza."



Now children, with all due respect for our gossip compadres at The Post, some of the details they put forth quite simply do not add up. Buckle your mental safety belts, butter beans, we're going to try to use our pea brain to make some sense of the celebrity real estate matter and it gets a little confusing if you're not paying attention.



Back in November 2005 Mister Stewart sold his Greenwich Village apartment for $3,995,000 to sassy and way too tan Project Runway judge and fashion world queen Michael Kors and his new hubby Lance LePere. The Stewart family traded up into a sprawling two floor penthouse in TriBeCa that property records show measures 5,802 square feet, a number very close to 6,000 square feet. Old listing information for Mister Stewart's rather colossal crib states the 3 bathroom duplex has over 600 square feet of private terrace plus an additional 1,200 square feet of private roof space. That totals, as per our bejeweled abacus, 1,800 square feet of outdoor space, the exact amount mentioned in the Post's report this morning. As far as we can tell from our spin through property records, Mister Stewart's penthouse in TriBeCa was never owned by Mike Piazza. In fact, property records and other online reports show Mister Stewart purchased his jumbo penthouse from a quirky turtle collector named Richard Ogust. That's right, a turtle collector right in the heart of downtown New York City.



Anyhoo, the year before, in November (2004), the former catcher for the Mets paid $4,215,874 for the building's other, smaller duplex penthouse. Listing information and previous reports show Mister Piazza's penthouse measures 3,012 square feet and includes 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, and 968 square feet of outdoor space. The outdoor living areas of Mister Piazza's pad are divvied up between a glass-walled courtyard off the upper level master bedroom and two separate roof terraces connected by a spiral staircase and outfitted with a built-in all Viking brand outdoor kitchen and weatherproof speaker system.



In short, the peeps at the Post reported that Mister Piven purchased Mister Piazza's penthouse but the apartment details they offer clearly reference the (old and no longer active) listing for Mister Stewart's penthouse next door.



So, whose apartment did Mister Piven purchase? Mister Piazza's or Mister Stewart's? Well, puppeenuh weenas, we have heard zilch about Mister Stewart wanting to sell his penthouse and a few minutes research did not turn up an active listing for his downtown duplex digs.



What we did figure out is that Mister Piazza finally, recently, and at long last unloaded his TriBeCa penthouse that has been on and off the market since at least early August 2008 when he pushed the sleek and sexy bullpen on the market with an asking price of $6,800,000. The price tag quickly dropped to $6,500,000 and after six months on the (open) market the long and lean penthouse was de-listed in early 2009.



Property records and Property Shark show Mister Piazza sold his New York City white elephant in mid-June 2011. The buyer paid a ridiculously complicated $4,582,125. The new owner's identity is shielded behind a newly-minted limited liability company set up, it appears, for the express purchase of the airy apartment. Therefore and in all honesty we are unable at this point to directly connect Mister Piven to Mister Piazza's penthouse.



With all that nonsense in mind, just about all Your Mama can say with certainty is that prop records show Mister Piazza sold his penthouse for $4,582,125 in mid-June 2011. What we do not know for sure is if Mister Piven is the man behind the domestic limited liability company that bought the apartment. Despite the perplexing report in the Post, iffin Your Mama were the wagering type–and we're not–we'd double down on red that Mister Piven did buy Mister Piazza's penthouse. However we haven't the specific intel to make that claim. So, for now folks, Mister Piven's purchase is merely rumor and gossip as far as Your Mama is concerned. Perhaps he'll give us a ringy-dingy on our bedazzled and bedraggled princess phone to let's us know the complete what's what on the matter.



It's unlikely that Mister Piven really will give Your Mama a ringy-dingy–we're not stoopid after all–but we have no doubt whatsoever that we will soon receive an angry phone call and inevitable verbal lashing from our boozy ball-luvin' b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau whose loins burn like a brick oven for Mister Piazza. We know that as soon as ol' Fiona finds out Mister Piven may have purchased Mister Piazza's penthouse she's going to go 49 kinds of berserk. She will probably run into traffic, pee on some one's porch, and eat chicken feet slathered in kimchi. She will most certainly speak in tongues at an ear piercing volume. We fully expect that she will scream bloody murder through the telephone about the absolute vulgarity than an (allegedly) Mercury poisoned man-ho like Jeremy Piven might pollute sacred real estate space once occupied by the physical perfection that is Mike Piazza. Now, hunnies, listen. We are here to tell you that our Miss Trambeau is in no position to cast aspersions at Mister Piven. Beotch has a goddam revolving door on her studio apartment in San Francisco and we shudder to think of the number of goopy STDs Fiona's had over her long, long, loooong years of activity. But cast aspersion she most assuredly will, at length and with a vitriol that borders on mental illness.



Mister Piven has long called Malibu, CA home where back in July 2004 he coughed up $3,500,000 for an ocean front residence near Pepperdine University that the Los Angeles County Tax Man shows measures 2,424 and includes 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.



Mister Piazza and his former Playboy Playmate wife Alicia Rictor made a baby in 2007 and maintain an 8 bedroom and 9 bathroom mansion in Miami Beach, FL he/they bought in early 2008 for $10,000,000.



Uh-oh...Somebody run quick and get Your Mama a nerve pill and bring us a god damn gin & tonic–extra lime, please–because the phone is ringing and it's Fiona...



listing photos and floorplan: Brown Harris Stevens

Rihanna Gets Mad and Sues A Lot of People

Gossip juggernaut TMZ and others reported today that four time Grammy winning superstar Rihanna is hella heated up and hopping mad about (alleged) construction defects that affect the livability and value of the the big ol' Beverly Hills, CA mansion she bought back in September of 2009. The music industry phenom and tabloid headliner is so furious she's filed a lawsuit against just about everyone who had anything to do with the construction and transactional due diligence of the high-priced property.



Property records and previous reports show the Barbadian bombshell–née Robyn Fenty–paid $6,900,000 for her newly constructed/renovated contemporary crib dramatically situated on a promontory at the tail end of a curling cul-de-sac in the Beverly Crest neighborhood.



Riri's lawsuit filed with the Los Angeles County Superior Court encompasses a handful of causes of action including fraud, breach of fiduciary duty, negligence, breach of contract, and breach of implied warranty. The lawsuit claims the seller–named in the lawsuit as Heather Rudomin–was (or should have been) aware but failed to disclose major waterproofing and construction defects that resulted in significant damage to the fancy mansion after what the legal documents called a "moderate rainstorm" in January 2010. The lawsuit claims that the defects devalue the house by millions less than what the sartorial daredevil paid for the place and Riri wants some of her money back plus attorney's fees.



TMZ reported that along with former owner Adrian Rudomin Miss Riri's lawsuit also names a number of others including the property inspector, the engineers who worked on the house, and at least one of the real estate agents involved in the transaction, Shelley Brown of Prudential California Realty who represented Miss Riri in the purchase. Redfin shows the property was listed at the time of the sale with Joyce Rey, one of the highest of the high-powered grande dames of Platinum Triangle real estate. Miz Rey is not named in the suit.



Listing information from that time Miss Riri purchased the property shows the gated contemporary crib sits heavily on .86 hill top acres at the tail end of a short cul-de-sac and measures more than 10,000 square feet over three floors with 8 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms



The heart of the hulking house is a dramatic airplane hangar-sized living/dining area with milk-chocolaty hardwood floors, fireplace, towering walls of glass with city to ocean views, and glass-railed bridge that connects two second floor wings of the modern mansion. Other interior spaces include a den/family room with fireplace, eat-in kitchen with not just one but two gigantic center islands, office, staff quarters, art studio, fitness room, media/music room, wine cellar and home theater with wide screen and state-of-the-art projection equipment.



The gated grounds encompass a tight motor court with two-car attached garage, flat lawn the narrows to a small sun deck with city and ocean views, and a small swimming pool and spa surrounded by an entertainment terrace and deck cantilevered over the canyon.



Anyone want to take bets that regardless of the outcome of her legal matters Little Miss Riri will soon if she doesn't already desire new digs, preferably one not freighted with the psychic weight of judicial trauma?



aerial photo: Google

listing photos: Coldwell Banker Previews International

A New Chez for Newlyweds Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo

BUYERS: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo

LOCATION: Encino, CA

PRICE: $2,850,000

SIZE: 8,134 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms



YOUR MAMAS NOTES: One of Your Mama's unofficial celebrity real estate rules states that when a rich and/or famous person marries they frequently also buy a new home. In short, a new spouse means a new house. It makes little matter if the newly betrothed previously shacked up in unmarried sin. They typically still feel the urge to wrap there wedded bliss in the comforts of a new house.



Thanks to the Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial we've learned that such was the case with former boy bander/reality tee-vee star turned singing contest host/sometime actor Nick Lachey (The Sing Off) and his new bride Vanessa Minnillo, a one-time beauty pageant participator who now earns a living as the hostess of various showbiz events and low-brow reality tee-vee programs (Wipeout, True Beauty, Total Request Live).



Mister Lachey and Miss Minnillo, coupled on and off since sometime in 2006 or 2007, have lived together on and off for the last several years in both Los Angeles and New York City. In The Big Apple they were oft rumored and reported to have purchased or possibly leased a 2 bedroom pied a terre at the Atelier building on the far western end of 42nd Street in Midtown Manhattan; In The City of Angels they made their unwed nest in a very contemporary ridge top residence Mister Lachey purchased in 2006 shortly after his marriage to wife number one Jessica Simpson swirled down the Tinseltown Terlit of Love.



After years of dating and living together Miss Minnillo finally made an honest man of Mister Lachey in mid-July (2011) when they hitched their semi-celebrity wagons in a quiet ceremony on Richard Branson's private Necker Island in the British Virgin Islands. The main house on Necker Island was badly damaged last week during a fire started by a lightening strike. At the time of the 4:00 a.m. conflagration Oscar-winning British actress Kate Winslet was a guest of Mister Branson and asleep in the house. Not only did Miz Winslet get herself and her two children out of the house unharmed but also managed to scoop up and carry Mister Branson's 90 year old mother out of the house to safety. Brava beotch! But we digress...



Property records and previous reports reveal that in February 2006 Mister Lachey ponied up 5,000,000 clams for a 5,214 square foot house near the tail end of a long gated driveway shared by a few other homes that snakes dramatically along a narrow ridge high in the mountains directly above the hoity-toity Bel Air section of Los Angeles.



The then bachelor purchased the modern mini-mansion from German supermodel/media mogul Heidi Klum and Grammy-winning British R&B singer-songwriter Seal who, as it turns out, have been much in the celebrity real estate headlines lately. The sexy salt and pepper pair paid $14,200,000 in late 2010 for a 12,300 square foot mansion on more than eight hillside acres in the same exclusive gated enclave in Los Angeles' Brentwood area where other residents and home owners include philandering former California governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, supermodel Giselle Bündchen and her pigskinner hubby Tom Brady, Libet Johnson (heiress to the Band-Aid fortune), and at least one Middle Eastern political potentate. They subsequently listed their former house, a secluded hillside estate tucked into one of the lesser traveled canyons that cut through the mountains in the Beverly Hills Post Office area, in May 2011 with an asking price of $6,900,000. Records reveal they sold the 6 bedroom and 9 full and 2 half pooper property just a month later for $7,000,000. It doesn't take a genius or a bejeweled abacus to see that's a hundred grand over the asking price but it does take a peep into the property records to reveal it's also $600,000 less then they paid for the property 5.5 years earlier. And there we go digressing again...



Your Mama discussed the Bel Air residence Mister Lachey shared with Miss Minnillo back in June 2010 when he quietly pushed the property on to the market with and asking price of $6,800,000. Listing information indicates house was last listed with a $5,995,000 price tag and property records now show Mister Lachey sold the property on the 10th of August, 2011 for $5,500,000 to an unknown buyer.



The day after Mister Lachey closed on his house in Bel Air he and his new Missus closed on a gated mock-Med mansion nestled into a thickly treed cul-de-sac in the semi-rustic rolling hills above suburban Encino. Although Encino is and has always been a leafy haven for Hollywood types of all stripes, the community none-the-less carries with it the stigma of being a suburban wasteland of vapid and tasteless consumerism. This unflattering image of Encino, at one time only a figment in the snobbish real estate minds of Angelenos who believed they lived in better zip codes, went viral in the early 1980s when L.A.-based music legend Frank Zappa released the song Valley Girl. Anyone over forty certainly knows the song–sung/talked by Mister Zappa's then 14-year old daughter Moon Unit–that openly mocked Valley Girl culture. (O.M.G., children, check out Marilyn MaCoo with her braided headband! Get. It. Gurrl!).



Anyhoo, property records show the newlyweds paid $2,850,000 for their new mansion in Encino. The house, which listing information called "Rustic Tuscan," was purchased with the same trust through which Mister Lachey owned his previous home in Bel Air. Listing information for Chez Lachey shows the house was built in 1981, measures a substantial 8,134 square feet, and includes a family-sized number of bedrooms and bathrooms, 6 and 8 respectively.



Shrubbery shrouded arched wood gates swing open electronically to a stone motor court with two car front-facing garage and adjoining single car carport. A wide, tree-shaded stone stair way connects the driveway to the front door set deeply into an arched porch. The exterior of the house, as far as Your Mama is concerned, ain't nuthin' but an architectural wart with odd proportions and botched massing. Things get a marginally better inside where some of the faux and stone finishes meant to give the house the illusion of being an agéd Mediterranean country house are mildly mitigated by a number of surprisingly voluminous spaces with distressed hardwood floors and vaulted ceilings with exposed wood beams.



A series of stone pillars and wide arched doorways in that airy sky-lit foyer direct traffic into the spacious window-wrapped formal living room with wide plank wood floors, fireplace and French doors that open to a pair of verandas, one covered and one not. The adjacent library/den also has wood floors, vaulted wood beam ceiling with sky lights, fireplace, and French doors that open to a veranda–in this case the covered one. Boozehounds like Your Mama who can not abide the stone veneer only installed to about halfway up one very tall wall in the library/den may feel more architecturally charitable to the space when they learn there's a built-in wet bar with copper sink installed in the corner opposite the fireplace.



The formal dining room opens on one end through wood-framed French doors to a grassy area and on the side through a wider bank of wood-framed French doors to a romantic vine-covered patio with over-sized water fountain. The rather large center island kitchen has a barrel-vaulted ceiling, tile floors with Travertine inlay set at a 45-degree angle, a adjacent pantry/utility room, custom cabinetry that features a built-in buffet with plate rack and microwave oven cubby, two over-sized farmhouse sinks, side-by-side stainless steel fridge and freezer, snack counter, and a breakfast area also with a barrel vaulted ceiling.



A wide doorway with a pair of thin columns separates the breakfast room/kitchen from the family room where there's distressed wide-plank wood floors under foot and a vaulted, wood-beamed, and sky lit ceiling over head. One entire wall was covered floor to ceiling in the same stone veneer as in the library/den. All we can say about that is at least this time the stone facing reaches all the way to the high ceiling. An arched inset in the stone-faced wall holds a wide-screen boob-toob and built-in cabinet for all the various cable boxes and wireless routers required for a modern upscale lifestyle. The home's third fireplace was crammed awkwardly between the wide media archway and a much less wide archway that connects the room to the rest of the house.



A vestibule on the lower level has double doors that open into a home office with built-in cabinetry, desk top, wet bar and corner seating unit. A short hall connects the office space to the master bedroom and en suite bathroom, both of which have fireplaces set into full walls covered with stone veneer, both of which have access and/or views to the garden and swimming pool, and both of which have wall-t0-wall sand colored carpeting. That's right, puppies, there's wall to wall carpeting in the bathrooms that encircles the free standing tub and runs right up to the sinks and shower. Your Mama hopes that Mister and Missus Lachey heed Rule Number 12 in Your Mama's Big Book of Decorating Dos and Don'ts that explicitly states that due to what should be obvious sanitary issues no bathing or terliting facility of any kind in any home of any size or value shall have wall-to-wall carpeting. Bath mats and area rugs are acceptable solutions to cold feet as are, for those with the budget, radiant heated floors.



The remainder of the mansion's sleeping chambers, each of them en suite as per listing information, are sprinkled throughout the house and configured such as to allow for flexible use as guest suites, offices, game rooms, fitness chambers, children's play rooms, massage facilities, scrap booking factories or what-have-you rooms.



In addition to the various covered patios, porches and verandas that surround the house the grounds include a flat patch of grass surrounded by mature trees and landscaping. Does anyone else besides Your Mama think Missus Lachey would like to see a celebrity-style jungle gym set up out there soon? Exterior stairs connect the long dining and lounging veranda on the second floor to the multi-level lower terrace where there's dining and sunbathing areas, built-in fire pit with built-in stone bench, a swimming pool with lap lane and, tucked into a quiet corner of the yard, a foliage-surrounded spa where Mister and Missus Minnillo can film another of their outdoor sexcapades should they be so inclined.



Your Mama, who has never spoken to nor seen Mister Lachey or Miz Minnillo in the flesh, certainly hasn't any idea or inside information about why these two sometimes volatile lovebirds would opt to trade in their sexy house in Bel Air with jet liner views over Los Angeles to the Pacific Ocean for a significantly larger but far less exciting mansion in Encino. Perhaps they just wanted some thing less expensive–if not less costly to maintain and operate–where they'll have plenty of room to bring up babies when the time comes.



listing photos: Michael Andrew McNamara Photography for Partners Trust

Tuesday Tidbit: Did Roman Abramovich Do It Again in London?

International Real Estate rumor has it that Russian oligarch and globe-trotting trophy property collector Roman Abramovich may have purchased a humongous house on Kensington Palace Gardens, the most expensive and security conscious gated enclave in all of hyper-pricey London.



Did y'all get that? This is just rumor and gossip at this point. Your Mama did not find any reports on the interweb that provide or claim definitive proof Mister Abramovich actually bought the house in question, a gleaming white, civic-looking Neo-Georgian limestone edifice owned by Belgian hedge hogger Pierre LaGrange and his wife Christina.



At least one report from mid-August relayed whispers that the wildly wealthy lover of über-luxurious living was interested in Mister and Missus LaGrange's behemoth house on Kensington Palace Gardens. Those property gossips heard through the real estate grapevine the LaGrange's mansion was quietly available for around £30,000,000. More recent reports, such as in the Daily Mail, suggest Mister Abramovich may have paid somewhere in the neighborhood of £90,000,000 for the house that reportedly has upwards of 12 to 15 bedrooms. We have no idea why there's such a wild discrepancy between the gossiped-about price tag and reported sale price. Make of that what you will children.



Most discussions of the matter indicate the LaGrange mansion is currently under construction with a massive subterranean extension to include an a "health centre," private museum, and indoor tennis court. Whaaaat? Do these reports mean that an indoor underground tennis court is planned? That sounds awfully odd, doesn't it? Would this be the first and only private residence in London with an indoor and underground tennis court?



Listen chickens, despite our daily intake of the devil's water Your Mama has been known to scoot our fat backside out on to the tennis court every now and then. That's why we know of what we speak when we tell the children y'all need a very high ceiling to accommodate an indoor tennis court. Do the children understand just how far a person would have to dig down in to the firmament below London to allow for a ceiling sufficiently high for the wild, top-spinning arches for which our boozy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau is famous? Yes, puppies, she may be a walking, talking and often drunk disaster but when ol' Fiona steps on to the tennis court in her high-heeled platform sneaker-shoes beehotch does it down something fierce like that shrieker Maria Sharapova.



Anyhoo, Your Mama can't claim any intimate or actual knowledge of what goes on in Mister Abramovich's multi-billionaire brain but most reports suggest he and his art loving heiress baby momma Daria Zhukova have grown weary of the planned expansion and renovation of a decidedly decadent double-wide townhouse on Lowndes Square in London's hoity-toity Knightsbridge neighborhood.



When and if completed as planned, Mister Abramovich's Lowndes Square residence would measure an epic 30,000 square feet and include–according to the 2009 floor plans Your Mama had the pleasure to peep–multiple elevators, 8 bedrooms plus several staff apartments, a drawing room that spans the full width of the two townhouses, a swimming pool in the basement, and a sprawling full-floor master suite comprised of bedroom, two large bathrooms, two large windowed dressing rooms–one with walk-in safe–and a service kitchen/pantry connected to the subterranean main kitchen via a dumbwaiter.



In mid-March 2011 Your Mama discussed a rambling 13,000 square foot mansion on London's bohemian-chic Cheyne Walk that Mister Abramovich reportedly purchased for around $40,000,000. This house was to be a temporary residential weigh station until the work on the yacht-loving jet setter's house on Lowndes Square is finished.



If these newest reports are true–and we really don't know if they are or are not–it appears that Mister Abramovich would scrap the planned expansion of his mansion in ritzy Knightsbridge, bail out of his house on Cheyne Walk and high-tail it to the even more exclusive and expensive Kensington Palace Gardens where other residents include bajillionaire industrialists like Lakshmi Mittal, Foxtons founder Jon Hunt, a Saudi royal or two and a long list of international ambassadors. We shall see, puppies, we shall see.



In addition to his London property holdings–whatever exactly they may be–Mister Abramovich's property portfolio bulges with more than a dozen homes in far-flung and exorbitantly high-priced locales that include Moscow, the Côte d'Azur, St. Barts in the Carribbean, and Aspen, CO.



photo: Chris Eades via The Daily Mail