Your Mama Hears Britney Spears...

...has ants in her real estate pants and plans to pack up the children and, once again, move mansions, this time to an exclusive, guard-gated golf community in the upscale and exurban outpost of Thousand Oaks, CA, about 35 miles northwest of Hollywood.

We first caught wind of the famously peripatetic pop star's' upcoming move to suburbia to exurbia about two weeks ago when we received an unexpected covert communique from Anne Teak, a woman of few words who wondered if little ol' we might be able to corroborate or squelch the latest neighborhood scuttlebutt about Miz Spears being the wealthy 'hood's newest celebrity resident.

It took us a bit of time and a leg up from Our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air but we finally secured a confirmation from our always impeccably informed friend and snitch Lucy Spillerguts who told us with "110%" certainty the Britney Spears household has or will soon relocate to a big, beige stone and stucco mcmansion that overlooks one of the fairways (or greens or whatever) of the private Sherwood Country Club.

According to Anne Teak the gossip goes that Miz Spears purchased a posh mansion in the Sherwood Country Club Estates and, indeed, the property in question was on the open market until sometime in September or October this year with an asking price of $8,900,000. However, charm bracelets, Miss Spillerguts told us Miz Spears has not bought but leased the property. We can't say how how the rent check she writes will be because, well, we don't know for sure. However, a little digging around in the murky depths of the interweb turned up multiple (expired) listings that reveal the 1.8-ish acre mini-estate was last but recently available for lease at $25,000 per month. Perhaps Miz Spears (or her people) negotiated a better price, perhaps not.

A person who cares about such trivial celebrity real estate matters could not legitimately be institutionalized for wondering aloud why a woman and mother of means such as Miz Spears would opt to rent a damn mansion rather than buy one and make it a (semi-)permanent home for her, her children, her man-friend Jason Trawick, and their retinue. We have no wisdom to offer about the specifics of that particular matter, puppies, but we do know since fleeing–ahem–vacating her post-Kevin Federline mansion in the guard-gated Summit community in the Beverly Hill Post Office area–the luxurious scene of so much crazy for the global superstar in 2007 and 2008–Miz Spears has preferred to rent a short succession of rather large and expensive suburban mansions. She first settled, for a couple of short years, at the dorkily-named Chateau Sueños in Calabasas (CA) and since early 2011 she, the children, and etc. have shacked up in a 19,107 square foot mega-manse with 10 bedrooms and 13 bathrooms in the horse- and celebrity-friendly community of Hidden Hills (CA).

Of course, Your Mama doesn't know a blow hole from a microwave oven so we can't very accurately speculate about the reason (or myriad of reasons) Miz Spears would choose to move again so soon after settling in to a rented mansion in Hidden Hills but maybe (or maybe not) it has to do with her recent turning of 30, the December 10th finale in Puerto Rico of her international Femme Fatale tour and/or the rampant rumors running 'round the blogs and gossip glossies that Mister Trawick plans to very soon put a sparkly ring on Miz Spears finger. Mazel tov to all!

Whatever the reason(s), listing information Your Mama squeezed like a pimple out of the interweb shows Miz Spears newest rented residence in somewhat-remote-to-the-Showbiz-World Thousand Oaks was built in 2004, stands two stories tall, and measures 10,567 square feet with a total of 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms, at leasst 4 fireplaces (3 indoors, 1 outside), garage space for 7 cars, and one craptastically swelegant 8-sided foyer with inlaid marble floor, arched display niches, an unholy cacophony of doorway styles, and a wrought iron railing-ringed oculus that exposes the lower level foyer to the hand-painted geometric mural that spans the ceiling of the upper level gallery.

The main living areas include (but are not necessarily limited to) a formal dining room and a not-very-formal formal living room with lustrous random-width, honey-colored oak floors, a full wall of wood-framed glass sliders that peel open to a covered porch, an ornate and over-scaled carved stone fireplace at one end of the long room and what appears to be a built-in entertainment cabinet with exposed flat-screen tee-vee at the other.

A more manly architectural and decorative vibe was applied to the medium-dark wood paneled library immediately off the foyer that presents a coffered ceiling overhead, wall-to-wall carpeting the color of wet sand underfoot, a quartet of over-sized windows with a grassy backyard view along one entire wall, and a carved wood and marble fireplace with flat screen television mounted above it where there might more appropriately be a $47 painting of canines smoking cigars and playing poker.

The kitchen borders on colossal and includes a Suburu-sized center work island with veggie sink and under-counter booze fridge, many feet of custom milled raised panel cabinetry topped by swirly beige granite with double waterfall style edge detail, well-lit tumbled travertine back splashes, a full suite of high-grade appliances, and an adjoining breakfast area with backyard and swimming pool access through a bank of French doors. We're just going to totally pretend we don't see the dreadful swagged fabric valances and the hypertension-inducing items precariously set in to that slim and otherwise mostly useless space between the top of the cabinets and the ceiling because otherwise we'd have a serious conniption fit.

Casual indoor entertainment areas include, as per listing and marketing materials, a home theater and a gigantic, partly wood-paneled second floor game room complete with fireplace, full-size wood and granite pub, poker nook, and at least three built-in flat-screen tee-vee because as if the sound of one tee-vee isn't enough to disturb the peace then three tee-vees blaring three different programs at the same damn time is enough to make Your Mama need a nerve pill and nap. Nobody in their right minds smokes indoors anymore–particularly if there are small children, pets, and/or old people around–so draggers and puffers will appreciate the long row of wood-framed sliding glass doors that provide convenient access to a covered outdoor balcony that also has a wide flight of steps that descend to backyard and swimming pool areas.

Miz Spears and Mister Trawick, both fit as fiddles with hard booties and firm stomachs, will no doubt make real and serious use of the home gym, located in the same neck of the mcmansion as the game room and equipped with a built-in flat-screen tee-vee mounted about a corner wet bar. We are, we must confess, a bit troubled by the wall-to-wall carpeting in the fitness room. Not only does it seem somehow counter-intuitive to work out–or "work out"–on semi-shag carpeting it seems downright unsanitary. Think about it for a moment. Iffin a person or persons actually uses and uses correctly all that exercise equipment–otherwise known by Your Mama as Self-Inflicting Body Torture Devices–that carpet could quickly become saturated with an upsetting amount of sweat.

Anyhoo, a tightly curled carved wood and wrought iron staircase tucked into its own vestibule off the foyer leads to the second level living areas where Miz Spears' (and presumably Mister Trawick's) private quarters occupy a private wing that includes a fully-carpeted bedroom big enough for a sizable sitting area with a huge carved stone (or cast-concrete?) fireplace. Glass sliders open to a private covered balcony with chunky stone balustrade and not-so distant view of the mansion-dotted rolling hills that weave their way around the unnaturally green golf course. There isn't a mention of it in the online listing we perused but we assume closet space in the master suite is both custom-fitted and commodiously celebrity-worthy but listing photographs do show a master bathroom dressed up in expensive but utterly banal and all-beige manner with double sinks, jetted soaking tub, glass-enclosed shower, and a dedicated hair and make-up station with the ugly sort of hydraulically-operated chair one might more reasonably expect to find in a beautician's workspace.

The house sits fairly hard up on the street with a small motor court wedged into the parcel at one end of the house and a soccer-pitch sized grassy space on the other where the current owners erected a jungle gym that we'd bet our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly cost more than a minimum wage domestic earns in an entire month. A long and wide free-form terrace extends off the back of the house and extends part way around the amoebic negative edge swimming pool and spa. At one end of the swimming pool an outdoor entertainment complex features an octagonal open air dining pavilion with massive outdoor fireplace and an adjacent conversation-friendly, horseshoe-shaped outdoor kitchen/barbecue center with a raised and umbrella-shaded snack & booze bar. A long, switchback stone staircase descends into a thickly wooded area below the house where Miz Spears boy children will no doubt  built a fort and another shorter set of steps curves down to a small plateau tucked into the gentle slope with built-in fire pit.

We're not sure if Miz Spears plans to hang around the country club much but iffin she and etc. were so-inclined membership would allow them access to a variety of facilities that include 72-par Jack Nicklaus-designed golf course, a tennis club, swimming pool complex with junior-Olympic sized pool plus children's wading pool and bubbling spa, an extensive fitness center, full-service spa that offers massages, hair removal, and anti-aging treatments as well as mani-pedi services, and at least five separate members only dining and drinking venues.

Other rich and high profile residents/property owners at the Sherwood Country Club Estates include financier William Dallas who among other things manages some (or all, we're not sure) of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's vast fortune and tennis ace Pete Sampras who custom-built a 16,177 square foot lightly contemporary compound on a private knoll that he quickly flipped back on the market almost two years ago with a $25,000,000 price tag. As of today the Sampras' compound-like property remains on the market with an asking price of $19,950,000, a hugely reduced number that still makes it a titanic $11,450,000 more expensive than the next most expensive house on the open market inside the gates of the Sherwood Country Club Estates. The children may recall that some years ago professional baseball player turned dilettante entrepreneur spent close to $17,000,000 to buy one of the golf communities largest and most expensive estates from former pro puck pusher Wayne Gretzky and subsequently lost it down the jagged-toothed hatch of foreclosure.

Outside the manned and secured gates of the Sherwood Country Club some of the area's other name-brand property owners include comedian/actor/singer Jamie Foxx who owns 40-plus rural acres and a hill-top mega-mansion a few miles away and Ellen Degenere and Portia de Rossi who own a 26-acre equestrian facility in nearby Hidden Valley they've periodically had on the open market at $16,500,000 this year.

listing photos: Sotheby's International Realty Westlake via JE United Realty

Pinkberry Pashas List Modern Malibu Pad

SELLERS: Shelly Hwang and Young Lee
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $3,495,000
SIZE: 4,799 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms,

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In the mid-Naughts Korean American entrepreneur Shelly Hwang and her boyfriend/architect Young Lee set out to open a tiny tea parlor in a centrally located residential section of West Hollywood, CA. Alas, the city put the ix-nay on the tea parlor after neighbors rejected their attempt to secure a booze license. Probably they were devastated at the rejection of their hooch-selling application but the repudiation became the catalyst for their bazillion dollar Plan B: a colorful, new-fangled sort of frozen yogurt shop called Pinkberry that offered a limited number of (mostly tart) flavors and a limited number of (mostly fruit and cereal) toppings at premium prices.

Almost overnight the small store became a huge hit amongst all the scores and scads of Angelenos who didn't even know they ached so intensely for a lip-pursingly tart frozen treat. Much to the chagrin of the store's residential neighbors, chattering crowds over-whelmed the narrow street where cold snack-seeking hordes double- and triple-parked their cars and waited in line for 20, 30 and sometimes 40 minutes for taste of the somewhat icy and decidedly sour substance. The instant frenzy brought extra police to manage the swarms and meter maids to ticket the illegally-parked vehicles. Within a few short years–and the help of a near $25,000,000-plus investment by Starbucks founder Howard Schultz's venture capital fund–perky Pinkberry stores filled with glossy white tables and multi-colored Philippe Starck-designed Ghost chairs began to pop up all over southern California and New York. Natch, Pinkberry being a phenomena that started in southern California, dressed down stars of all stripes soon began to appear in all the celebrity rags, tabs, blogs and gossip glossies spooning Pinkberry into their manicured mouths.

A 2007 report in Fortune magazine revealed that the first Pinkberry store turned a profit after just four months and that with an average purchase price of $5.50 a typical store doing 1,500 servings a day could easily bring in a quarter million dollars or more in revenue per month. The near instant and continued success of Pinkberry has allowed Miz Hwang and Mister Lee to adopt and maintain a swanky lifestyle that encompasses fancy cars and a very contemporary multi-million dollar residence in Malibu, CA they recently heaved on to the market with an asking price of $3,495,000.

Property records show the Pinkberry pashas only acquired the boxy and glassy residence situated high on a steep hillside above Surfrider beach in August 2008. The house was designed and built by minimal-minded Santa Monica-based architect Steve Kent who originally planned to live in the cliff-cleaving crib with his family. However, as was reported in a 2009 article in the Wall Street Journal, the newly-minted Pinkberry moguls finagled a tour of the then-not-quite-completed house and instantly made a substantial offer that would have been foolish for the architect to refuse. Records show Miz Hwang and Mister Lee coughed up $3,525,000 for crisp and clean-lined dwelling that according to current listing information, "includes membership to the new private, gated section of Rambla Pacifica," whatever that means.

Your Mama gave the well-worn beads of our long-suffering abacus a few flicks and clicks we quickly calculated the $3,525,000 purchase price converts to approximately 1,007,143 medium-sized original flavor Pinkberry servings (without topping) at $3.50 per serving. At it's current listing price of $3,495,000, Miz Hwang and Mister Lee stand to lose $30,000 on the sale of their Malibu residence not counting carrying costs, improvement, and real estate fees. That's about 12,000 small-sized original flavor Pinkberry servings (sans topping) at $2.50 apiece.

Listing information shows the sleek house measures 4,799 square feet over three floors with a total of 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. The main floor of the house lays out in one open sweep of airy space with chocolate brown-stained hardwood floors, luminous white walls, and a long row of floor-to-ceiling sliding glass doors that open to a long, cantilevered balcony with knee-buckling views and up and down the coast. A free-standing double-sided fireplace separates the living room from the dining room that itself blends seamlessly into the sybaritic (and hideously expensive) Boffi-brand kitchen complete with dual Sub-Zero frefrigerator/freezers, separate wine fridge, and an integrated Miele-brand coffee maker.

A lower level media room, where Mister Lee reportedly plays a lot of video games on a 65-inch Bang & Olufsen flat-screen tee-vee our internet research reveals costs around $35,000. No puppies, that's not a mis-print that's $35,000 just for the damn television set. We calculate that Mister and Missus Pinkberry had to sell about 5,385 large-sized pomegranate flavor Pinkberries (without topping) at $6.50 a pop to pay for the boob-toob.

Other high-tech convenience, amenities and luxuries include Toto-brand bidet toilets, an integrated FiOS system, central vacuum, and indoor and outdoor areas wired for sound. Although the house is perched and a rather precipitous slope the architect and engineers managed to squeeze out a fairly good-sized and pancake flat back/side yard shielded from the street by mature shade trees and divided in to a generous grass patch and a wide, ocean-view deck dotted with multi-colored and very modern outdoor furniture pieces.

Apropos of nothing related to the real estate, listing photographs show a pair of late-model, his-and-her Rolls Royce's parked in the driveway in front of the frosted glass garage doors deeply set into a chunky mass sheathed in extra-wide-plank, horizontally installed wood paneling. One, a gigantic 4-door Phantom sedan, has a mind-numbing base price of about $380,000–about 84,000 medium-sized green tea flavor Pinkberry servings (without topping) at $4.50 per serving–and the other, a 2-door Phantom Coupé, carries base price of $408,000, about 82,000 medium-sized original flavor Pinkberry servings (with topping) at $4.95 per serving.

listing photos: Coldwell Banker Malibu Colony

Anyone Care to Vacay at the Parrot Cay Compound of Bruce Willis or Donna Karan?

photo: Parrot Cay, Como Hotels & Resorts

The weather's turned chilly in Los Angeles the last few days, or at least what passes for cold in El Lay, and even though Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have just returned from a perfectly lovely week-plus of semi-vacation in sunny and warm Palm Springs, the vaguely winter-ish cold snap has us pining for a few more bathing-suited days in someplace a little more exotic.

A wintertime tropical vacation taker who benefits from deep pockets stuffed-full of shits-and-giggles money might opt for St. Barts, the tiny and wickedly expensive Caribbean island on which just about every heat-seeking New York City fashionista and card-carrying member of the global glitterati descend over the December-through January high-season holidays.

St. Barts has hosted infinite list of high-wattage cold weather escaping hobnobbers that includes but is far from limited to Michael Kors, Roman Abramovich, Donatella Versace and this mortifying piece of shoe leather who is not Donatella Versace, Beyoncé and Jay-Z, Marc Jacobs, Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi, Hugh Jackman, Daniel Craig, and Bravo's Andy Cohen, all of whom have been snapped by the paps as they strolled the boo-teek lined streets of Gustavia, frolicked in the azure surf and/or bobbed around on boats bigger and better-equipped than an average millionaire's mansion.

As scenic and tropically paradisaical as über-upscale St. Barts may be, the recherché flotilla of mega-yachts in the harbor, the snap, crackle and piercing glare of bejeweled sandals on meticulously pedicured feet, and the self-satisfying cachet that comes with snagging a wee piece of the slim supply of high-priced and high-demand accommodations on St. Barts creates a kind of centrifugal force of celebrity that attracts the paps who could easily make it feel a little too too for those famous folks who desire and require a vacation completely free from the tabloid media's blinding flash bulbs.

Spendy sorts who yearn to exhale and escape to a more isolated but still ridiculously sumptuous–not to mention shockingly costly–Caribbean getaway might swap the star-studded sands of St. Barts for teeny-tiny Parrot Cay, a 1,000 acre privately-owned and almost totally unspoiled island resort in the Turks and Caicos. With fewer than 70 rooms, suites and villas that range in price from $450 to $6,700 per night during the wintertime high season, Parrot Cay plays temporary home to only, at most, a few hundred pampered people at a time.

Parrot Cay certainly attracts its fair share of a-list celebrities and super stars–think Barbra Streisand, Julia Roberts, Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Janet Jackson–but an enforced no-fly zone over the island and a vigilant security staff who police the crystalline waters that surround the almost entirely undeveloped island fosters the sense of seclusion and privacy and ensures high-, low- and no-profile guests alike aren't disturbed by long-lensed cameraman while they set their vanities aside, bask barely dressed in the hot sunshine and languidly stroll the island's powdery white-sand beaches with their beer guts, fat asses and/or Thanksgiving Day turkey-bloated bellies hanging out every which way from Sunday.

In addition to the intimately-scaled and supremely-serviced resort, Parrot Cay has a few handfuls of privately-owned villas and compounds, all of which are located close enough to the resort's main buildings to take convenient advantage of its spa, sports and dining facilities and some of which are available as short-term vacation rentals to those with the bank accounts to pay the sky-high published rates.

In truth we haven't any idea precisely how many privately-owned villas and compounds exist on Parrot Cay but scads of online reports reveal a fair number of them are owned by internationally known business barons, showbiz types and glitzy glam-industry folks who include former supermodel Christie Brinkley, (severely prune-faced) Rolling Stone Keith Richards, Planet Hollywood founder Robert Earl and Capital One credit card tycoon Nigel Morris. Of course, not all of the villas and compounds owned by rich and/or famous folks can be rented. However, two of Parrot Cay's most well-known private compound owners–those would be aging but still virile action movie star Bruce Willis and iconic New Agey fashion designer Donna Karan–do indeed rent out all or portions of of their multi-pavilion Parrot Cay compounds to real-life escapees with the wherewithal and inclination to drop a hundred thousand clams (or more) on a week-long Caribbean vacay.

Mister Willis, who has about half a dozen mostly action films in the hopper, in post- or pre-production, married his current and currently knocked up second wife Emma Heming at his Parrot Cay vacation getaway known as The Residence in March 2009. Among the few reported attendees were his children and his ex-wife Demi Moore and her philandering soon to be ex-husband Ashton Kutcher.

photos: Parrot Cay, Como Hotels & Resorts 

 The Residence, just a seven minute buggy ride from the casually ritzy resort's main building, comprises three main structures: a two-story 5 bedroom main house with over-sized swimming pool (above) flanked by two 3 bedroom guest residences, each with private swimming pool and direct access to the gently curved, gleaming ribbon of white sand that fronts the turquoise water. Each of the compound's 11 total bedrooms have simply designed but luxuriously well-equipped en suite terliting and bathing facilities.

photos: Parrot Cay, Como Hotels & Resorts 

The airy (and air-conditioned) interior areas have wide-plank walnut floors, wide banks of windows that slide open to expansive decks and palm tree dotted bay views, and clean-lined contemporary day-core that leans towards white slip-covered upholstered sofas, teak tables, four-poster beds dressed in crisp white linens and enshrouded in gossamer netting. The interior spaces blend seamlessly with broad decks and terraces that stretch out into the thick tropical foliage towards the turquoise water and private beach areas that include outdoor shower areas (above) for rinsing off the sea and salt.

Both the main house and self-contained guest villas come with butler service and all the electronic hoo-haws and gewgaws someone unable to completely detach from tech-driven modern life might want or need including dual-line telephones with voicemail, fax machine, electronic in-room safes, WiFi internet access, radio and CD players, over-sized televisions with satellite services. Bathrobes, beach umbrellas, coffee/tea making equipment and flip-flops are complimentary but Yoga mats must be requested.

Published 2012 High season rates for The Residence–approximately January through mid-April–run $24,600 per night for the full 11-bedroom compound. No children, that is not a mistake. That is actually the published per night cost for The Residence, a figure Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows totals $172,200 for a week-long stay. The almost unfathomable price includes dedicated butler service, complimentary breakfast and afternoon tea–a full meal plan may be purchased at an additional $150 per person per day–and a number of non-motorized water sports and other scheduled activities such as yoga and Pilates.

photos: Parrot Cay, Como Hotels & Resorts 

The various villas that make up The Residence can also be rented separately. The main house, which includes a 1,500-plus square foot second-floor master suite (above) with private ocean view terrace, can be had for $11,200 per night (high season) and each of the two completely self-contained 3-bedroom guest villas (below) run $6,700 per night during the high season. The price drops to $15,900 per night during the low season for the entire compound but, let's get real butter beans, that can't really be called a bargain by anyone without a multi-million dollar post-taxes annual income.

photos: Parrot Cay, Como Hotels & Resorts 

As high the price for renting The Residence, the numbers pale in comparison to the butt-clenchingly steep prices at which fashion designer and committed downward facing dogger Donna Karan offers her Balinese-inspired Parrot Cay compound she calls–natch–The Sanctuary.

Sometime around 2000, Miz Karan and her now-deceased husband Stephen Weiss vacationed on Parrot Cay where they renewed their wedding vows. He gave her a ring, so the story goes in an 2009 article in Architectural Digest, and she gave him the undeveloped piece of ocean front property next door to the villa they'd rented. Mister Weiss died just six months after their re-marriage ceremony but Miz Karan pushed forward with plans to build a multi-generational family compound on Parrot Cay that her children use at their leisure and where Miz Karan goes to, in her own words, "create awareness," whatever that means.

Miz Karan utilized noted Singaporean architect Cheong Yew Kuan of Area Designs to fashion her "cocoon of serenity" on Parrot Cay that sprawls over approximately 10 pristine bay-front acres and encompasses six principal wood and stone structures that combine Caribbean architectural vernacular with a heavy dose of the Bagwan Giri resort on Bali, also designed by Cheong Yew Kuan and also owned by COMO Hotels and Resorts, the current proprietor of Parrot Cay.

photos: Charity Buzz

In addition to the main residence that opens out through a wide screen-porch to a vast deck and infinity-edged swimming pool sheathed in charcoal-colored volcanic stone, The Sanctuary includes a separate and secluded spa villa for Miz Karan's exclusive and private use, and two 4 bedroom guest villas.

The guest villas are separated (and also connected) by wood walkways that lead to a centrally-situated open-air pavilion kitted out with the necessary equipment to be converted to a media room for evening movie watching. Additional outdoor lounging and dining areas surround yet another beach-side swimming pool, this one colored the exact same turquoise of the ocean water that laps up on the shimmering sand. A separate yoga pavilion sits waterside amid a thicket of tropical foliage for maximum mediation encouragement.

As best as we can tell Miz Karan does not rent the entire property. The rentable portion includes the 3-bedroom main house (and swimming pool) and the two 4 bedroom guest villas, each completely self-contained with private indoor and outdoor living/dining areas, each with private infinity-edged swimming pool and spa, each with a second-floor master suite with 360-degree island and ocean views, and each outfitted with thoroughly modern amenities that include air conditioning, iPod docks, plasma tee-vees, fax machines, and WiFi internet connections.

Photographs of The Sanctuary show a low-slung decorative serenity and Zen-infused luxury comprised of deep sofas and lounges for sultry afternoons and bare-footed evenings, kente cloth bed clothes and throws, clean-lined teak tables, cedar-paneled walls, rich wood and limestone floors, floor to ceiling windows with explosively fragrant sea views, and a hefty smattering of Miz Karan's own extensive collection of artworks from Africa and Asia.

Published rates show the main house and the the two guest villas–a package that presumably includes the pool and pavilion between the guest villas–rented together as an 11-bedroom compound costs thirty grand per night during the high season. The two guest villas––a package that presumably includes the pool and pavilion between them–runs $20,000 per night (high season) and the 3 bedroom main residence will set a body back $10,000 per night (high season). Published rates on the resort's website do not show any off-season discount for The Sanctuary.

The standard (and published) rental rate of $210,000 for the entire The Sanctuary compound includes access to all resorts services that include a number of non-motorized water sports and other scheduled activities such as yoga and Pilates, and two full-time butlers, described on the resort's website as "at once your dedicated business concierge, personal assistant and trusted babysitter."  They are, in effect and with all due respect to the Parrot Cay butlers, the guests' vacation bitch.

Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will never be able to afford nor are we of the ilk who would we could ever ever ever spend $30,000 per night for a hotel–even if it is a spectacular 11 bedroom Caribbean compound with 4 swimming pools–but iffin we were so financially endowed and inclined we can imagine that for our money we might want a vacation bitch or two who could arrange for a in-villa spa treatment from some delicious looking local, keep our pitcher of gin & tonics full and ice cold and dash out to the store–or whatever they have on Parrot Cay–for a mid-morning candy snack and some breezy, warm weather reading material.

In our minds we're going to lay ourselves out on a padded chaise lounge with the latest absurdist novel by Gary Shteyngart (or maybe something saucier by smart-alleck comedienne Chelsea Handler) and a drop-dead view of the shimmering aqua waters of Parrot Cay, but in real life we're gonna go pour ourselves a tall early afternoon gin & tonic, curl up under a cashmere throw, munch on some gingerbread snacks and sift through a stack of the latest gossips glossies.

Skin Doctor Arnold Klein Lists Laguna Beach House on Stilts

SELLER: Arnold Klein
LOCATION: Laguna Beach, CA
PRICE: $12,000,000
SIZE: 3,572 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We apologize for not conversing with the kiddies on Friday but Your Mama was stymied by a series of obstinate technical troubles that left us nearly hysterical with frustration and all but dead in the blogging water. Our harrowing computer issues were finally solved by the deft skill of a paid expert but the two day delay means we're well behind the 8-ball on a number of celebrity real estate tidbits and morsels.

We begin our long slog back to currency with an elaborately engineered ocean-front residence in Laguna Beach, CA recently listed with an asking price of $12,000,000 and owned as per property records and previous reports, by well-known and much-beleaguered Beverly Hills cosmetic dermatologist Arnold Klein.

Over the course of his near forty year career in the skin biz Mister Klein has nipped, tucked and injected various youth preserving substances into scads and scores of Tinseltown luminaries such as Dolly Parton, Cher, and Elizabeth Taylor. Despite his illustrious career–he bills himself on his website as the "father of modern cosmetic dermatology"–it is his long-standing professional relationship and personal friendship with deceased international superstar Michael Jackson that made Mister Klein a household name, at least amongst tabloid television watcher and gossip glossy readers.

Over the last few years Mister Klein has become as if not more (in)famous for his frequent scuttlebutt shit stirring as it relates to Mister Jackson than he ever was as a medical professional. He vociferously rejects any rumors he bears any responsibility for Mister Jackson's alleged (but rather obvious) drug problems and he's repeatedly stated he is not to the best of his knowledge the father of two of Mister Jackson's three children; In 2010 Mister Klein confirmed (and later recanted his confirmation of) an alleged homosexual relationship between Mister Jackson and Jason Pfeiffer, a heavyset dude who once worked for Mister Klein. Mister Klein and Mister Pfeiffer and are currently suing each other amid salacious allegations that include wrongful termination and male prostie procurement.

Anyhoo, property records indicate the skin doctor scooped up his Laguna Beach house in January 1993 for $1,300,000. Current listing information shows the architecturally sui generis residence, which juts dramatically out from the cliff to which it cleaves and hovers awkwardly over the sugary sand, was built in 1971, measures 3,572 square feet over three floors and includes a total of 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

A pair of single car garages with shimmering stainless steel doors face front in the gated motor court. where a multi-colored contemporary sculpture signifies the main entrance to the house accessible down a long open corridor and over a short bridge.

Inside the main living/dining area has the lightest of beige wall-to-wall carpeting (it may, in fact, be white but we can't tell), a fireplace with stainless steel chimney breast, over-stuffed white sofas and chairs, and three walls of floor-to-ceiling windows and sliding glass doors that open to a three-sided cantilevered terrace with an undeniably spectacular 270-degree view up and down the rugged, southern California coastline. The room converts to a media room complete with projection equipment and a screen that scrolls down from the ceiling.

The kitchen, open to both the living and dining areas has a distinct but well-maintained 1980s vibe with lustrous white tile flooring, gleaming white flat-fronted cabinetry, black marble counter tops, pantry, and a full suite of high-grade but not particularly new appliances that include a trash compactor and a 160-bottle wine cellar.

The pale beige (or possibly white) wall-to-wall carpeting continues into the massive, full-floor master suite, divided into a sizable bedroom and living room areas by a free-standing double-sided wood and stainless steel fireplace. Like in the main living/dining area, glass walls provide unobstructed ocean and coastline views and give out to another cantilevered terrace with glass railing. In addition to the glass-block and white-tile bathroom, the master suite also includes a a walk-in closet, dining area, a second ocean-view terrace and a glass-roofed office/gym with retractable sun shade awning.

A narrow room affixed to and suspended from the underbelly of the upper two floors contains, as per listing information, a game room and a whole bunch of exercise equipment that from the looks of the zaftig Mister Klein don't see much use.

It's highly unlikely the very powerful California Coast Commission would allow a house such as this to be sited and built today but current listing information indicates that architectural plans drawn up by maverick-gone-mainstream architect Frank Gehry are available upon request.

The listing of this property may or may not have something to do with the fact that Mister Klein filed for personal bankruptcy early in 2011 claiming $3,500,000 in debts and less than $50,000 in assets. A subsequent filing indicates his assets are more considerable than the first filing would suggest and include a total of three luxury residences in California, an extensive collection high-octane artwork that includes works by Warhol, Baldessari, Hockney, Picasso and Gaugin, and a fleet of automobiles that include a Ferrari, Bentley,  late model Cadillac Escalade and a Chrysler Gem, the latter an low-speed electric vehicle.

Mister Klein's long-time primary residence, a hulking Tudor-style mansion property records indicate he bought in March 1985 for just $255,000, occupies a somewhat busy corner on the edge of Los Angeles' hoity-toity Hancock Park 'hood. Deeds and documents Your Mama peeped show the mansion (above) was built in 1914, encompasses 11,341 square feet and contains 8 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms and at least 3 fireplaces. There's additional living space above the detached 5-car garage.

The gated, tree-shrouded and laboriously landscaped mini-estate encompasses .65 acres and includes a swimming pool with elevated circular spa area and numerous parterre gardens lined with petite box woods, laced with brick walkways and sprinkled with fountains and statuary.

In November 2010 Radar Online reported that 48 firefighters spent 38 minutes putting out an early-morning fire that broke out in Mister Klein's kitchen. In addition to Mister Klein three others were evacuated from the house. The fire did more than $1,500,000 in damages to the real estate and other items, which was reportedly covered by insurance.

Property records indicate that a naughty Notice of Default was filed on the property on behalf of a Los Vegas-based company who in December 2009 lent Mister Klein $1,600,000 secured against the value of his Hancock Park property. Iffin we're being honest, and we always are, we're not sure of the current status of this Notice of Default but the online deeds and docs we perused don't yet show a Notice of Rescission. Make of that what you will.

The current value of the residence is listed on bankruptcy papers as $9,000,000, a figure that seems, quite frankly, rather optimistic when one takes into account that the highest recorded price paid for a house in Mister Klein's Hancock Park zip code in the last two years (as per Redfin) is $6,075,00 for a better located 8,160 square foot Tudor mansion sold in May 2011 by thriller novelist Philip Hawley to nursing home tycoon Lawrence Feigen.

Although he appears besieged with financial issues now, in June 2008 Mister Klein must have been feeling pretty flush since he splurged on a house in Palm Springs, CA for which property records show he paid $1,462,500. The .32 acre property, located in the upscale Vista Las Palmas neighborhood, includes a 3,511 square foot single-level residence originally built in 1980. The fully updated and upgraded property has 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms, a circular drive with porte cochere, an attached two-car garage, a terrace that converts to an outdoor movie theater with roll-down screen, and a walled yard with swimming pool and spa and up close mountain views.

Although it does not currently appear to be on the open market, there is online evidence that Mister Klein attempted to rent or sell his rather campilyp-decorated and art-filled desert digs sometime in the summer of 2010 for an undisclosed price. We took a quick look through the online marketing materials for the property and noticed a Warhol soup can in the kitchen, a Baldasarri (or Baldessari-like) photo in the entry hall, something that looks like it might have been done by Matisse hanging near the built-in wet bar, a group of 8 Warhol Marilyns in the living room, and–natch–a framed photograph of Michael Jackson in the master bathroom. We have no idea if any or all of these artworks are authentic or licensed reproductions. Much to our chagrin, Mister Klein has set a considerable number of large busts of Buddha around the interior and exterior areas of the house. Holy Mary, mother of Jeezis, we are so over the Buddha statues that far too may people in Southern California use as day-core. Listen, chickens, Rule Number 57 of Your Mama's Big Book of Decorating Dos and Don'ts explicitly states, "Unless yer a damn Buddhist, cool it on the Buddha statuary." Got it?

Bankruptcy filings put the value of Mister Klein's Palm Springs nest at $1,900,000. We'll let the desert dwelling real estate experts decide whether that's an accurate assessment of value.

listing photos: Realtor.com
aerial photos: Google

Eric Christian Olsen Buys Ocean View Ranch

BUYER: Eric Christian Olsen
LOCATION: Pacific Palisades, CA
PRICE: $1,350,000
SIZE: 1,593 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple of weeks ago we received a missive from The Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial who snitched to Your Mama that a shaggy-haired surfer-style blond named Eric Christian Olsen paid $1,350,000 to procure a modest if not exactly cheap ranch-style residence situated high on an ocean view bluff in the scenic Castellammare neighborhood on the real estate border between Pacific Palisades and Malibu, CA.

The children may wish to note that the property was actually listed at $1,300,000, which means that Mister Olsen paid fifty grand over the asking price. Make of that what y'all will.

Since we're being honest, we freely admit we'd never heard of this Mister Olsen before a short, sweet and entirely unscientific spin through the internets informed Your Mama the tall, handsome, well-built and often scruffy-faced actor has been catting around Tinseltown since the late 1990s. His big showbiz break came, believe it or now, when he landed a bit part as a dying burn victim on the now canceled hospital (melo)drama ER. A meaty role in the movie Pearl Harbor followed as did a slew of low-brow (and not very funny) terlit-humor comedies such as Not Another Teen Movie, The Hot Chick, Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd, Fired Up, Beerfest and License to Wed. Now in his early 30s, Mister Olsen has also landed a fair number of recurring roles on various television series such as Brothers & Sisters, Community, Tru Calling and, most recently, NCIS: Los Angeles.

The beau-hunky and smooth-chested surfer has long squired but not married the equally tussled blond model and actress Sarah Wright. Your Mama has no idea–nor do we really care–if the prototypical California blonds, neither of which are actually from California, plan to occupy the premises in unmarried sin, tie the knot and set up a newlywed nest or if they'll maintain separate residences.

Whatever the case, Mister Olsen's new near-the-seaside crib, which listing information rather generously called a "majestic cottage," was built in 1950 and contains 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in 1,593 square feet of interior space. Espresso-colored hardwood floors and salt-licked taupe and blue walls run throughout the house including in the bi-level living/dining room. The living room area, anchored by a white brick fireplace at one end of the room, has a beamed and vaulted ceiling and a long row of floor-to-ceiling plate-glass windows that extend down to the sunken dining area.

The kitchen, just beyond the dining area, has a pitched and beamed ceiling with clerestory windows, another wide row of wood-framed sash windows over the sink, old school country-style white cabinetry and white tile counter tops, new-fangled stainless steel fridge and dishwasher and a charming–or "charming," depending on your culinary point of view–vintage range. A short peninsula allows for some in-kitchen snacking and a door, which we'd replace with a Dutch door just because we love a Dutch door in a ranch-style residence, opens to the rear terrace.

The two secondary bedrooms are fairly ordinary affairs but the much larger master offers a bit more space and interest with a beamed and vaulted ceiling, room for a sizable sitting area and large windows with through-the-trees view of the canyons and ocean.

The living/dining and kitchen areas open to an small-ish and much in need of some love tree-shaded terrace with obstructed and oblique but still quite lovely canyon, mountain, city lights and ocean views. With a smart architect to dress up the rather dumpy exterior, a nice gay decorator to high light the home's highlights, and a savvy landscape designer to do over the could-be-great (if compact) backyard, Your Mama thinks–nay, know–this otherwise fairly ordinary ranch could be transformed into something that might appear in the matte pages of Dwell magazine. We suspect some of the children will disagree.

listing photos: Keller Williams Santa Monica

Rumor Has It...

...newly svelte Oscar- and Grammy-winning former American Idol Jennifer Hudson has signed the necessary papers to purchase a titanic 12,000 square foot mansion in Burr Ridge, IL, an affluent suburb about a half hour drive southwest of Chicago's Loop.

The very trad mansion (shown above) was originally listed in 2006 at $4,200,000 and the listing agent told real estate gossip Dennis Rodkin at Chicago Magazine "It's an over-$3 million house." Well, apparently it's not since the hulking house was last listed at $2,795,000 and although the purchase price has yet to be revealed it seems unlikely Miss Hudson would agree to pay more than the asking price. But then again, what do we really know about anything?

Listing information still available online shows the 16-room stone-built mansion has 6 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms, 5 fireplaces, heated garage space for 6 cars, 2 laundry rooms, a fully finished walk-out basement, and a huge bonus room tucked up into the eaves on the third floor. Additional spaces include an impress-the-guests style foyer with floating curved staircase, formal living and dining rooms, a library, colossal eat-in kitchen lit by three identical chandeliers, a double-height family room, and in basement area, a game room and home theater. Outdoor space is severely limited to a landscaped front yard, a large rear motor court accessed via a porte-cochere and a wee sliver of a backyard mostly taken up by a free-form dining terrace.

The kids over at Curbed Chicago amalgamated a slew of photos of the large and luxurious but perfectly ordinary mansion a person could ever want to see.

photo: Bing

Rumor Has It...

...New York-based financier Sandy Weill has already "reached an agreement with an unnamed buyer" to purchase his posh and exceedingly pricey penthouse at 15 Central Park West in New York City.

The children will recall that Mister and Missus Weill heaved and hoed their Robert A.M. Stern-designed and Mica Ertegun-decorated 6,744 square foot penthouse with its 2,000 square foot-plus wrap around terrace on to the market a few weeks ago with a ball-busting $88,000,000 asking price. Although an agreement has (allegedly) been reached, the as yet unidentified buyer has yet to sign the proper purchase contracts, according to the New York Post, and "appears to be foreign."

Well, holy god damn.

Mister Weill, the former CEO and chairman of Citigroup, has pledged to donate the proceeds of the sale to as yet unidentified charitable organizations.