A Pair of Afternoon Delights Number One

Okay, well, we're not sure how delightful these afternoon tidbits are perhaps they'll keep your real estate appetites whetted for a while longer.

The fine folks at Trulia Luxe Living recently reported that actor/sci-fi writer Bruce Boxleitner (Tron, Scarecrow and Mrs. King) and actress/former SAG president Melissa Gilbert (Little House on the Prairie) have their very-ordinary and quite-modest-by-celebrity-standards house in high-suburban Tarzana, CA on the market with a reduced asking price of $1,195,000. The couple recently announced they will be divorced. Wouldn't it be strange, children, to feel compelled to put out a press release every time you married, dated or divorced? Such are, perhaps, the sometimes high and frustrating costs of celebrity. Anyhoo...

listing photos: Trulia

A Pair of Afternoon Delights Number Two

Again, we're not sure how delightful these afternoon tidbits are perhaps they'll keep your real estate appetites whetted for a while longer.
Earlier today our compadres at Curbed presented an epic (and ultimately pyrrhic) 40,000-ish square foot mega-mansion in Fort Washington, PA–that's outside of Philly, folks–that recently clanked and clamored on the market with a pearl-clutching $30,000,000 price tag.

While thirty million smackers is an astronomical amount of money by any standard, the owner–a "ruined credit card tycoon" named Dennis Alter–reportedly spent a truly unnerving $80,000,000 to design, build and furnish his 6 bedroom and 8 bathroom beast of a house.

Have mercy! Somebody run quick and get Your Mama a nerve pill. Lowerd, children, it may not be unheard of for someone to spend such a sum to build a especially massive monument to their wealth but we still go bug-eyed with flabbergast and financial disbelief when those sorts of sums are bandied about in connection to a single private residence.

The sprawling, civic center-sized contemporary was conceived by the bold, exceedingly prolific and much lauded Uruguayan-born/U.S.-based architect Rafael Viñoly. Built on 70 acres, the massive mansion encircles a colossal stone courtyard perhaps more than a little influenced by European piazzas.

In addition to the main house, the expansive pastoral property encompasses two restored stone farmhouses that overlook a private pond, a tennis pavilion and a corporate retreat-sized "Play House" outfitted to the gills with exercise room, changing rooms with showering facilities, and an indoor tennis court plus a two-bedroom apartment perfect for the on-site housing of a thick-thighed tennis pro and a body fat-free fitness instructor.

listing photos: Christies International Real Estate

Michael Bay Bails in Montecito

SELLER: Michael Bay
LOCATION: Montecito, CA
PRICE: $6,800,000
SIZE: 5,431 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 full and 2 half bathrooms (total)

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Action film director/producer Michael Bay (The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, the Transformers franchise) has gotten a lot flack in the Tinseltown trade papers and snarky movie blogs over the years for being a hack, an honest-to-goodness no-talent whose professional forte leans towards hiring pin-thin model-hot women and making scores of things blow up in a cinematically exhilarating manner.

Your Mama does not have an opinion of Mister Bay's film making talents–or alleged lack thereof–since we can honestly say we've never seen a single one of his many films. Film making hack or not, Mister Bay's notoriously high-octane action flicks have grossed billions of dollars and, although we suspect it's, a bit high, some online outlets peg the movie makers net worth at as much as half a billion bucks. We make no claim as to Mister Bay's actual net worth but we can say property records indicate the man has ample dough-re-mi to buy and maintain a hefty handful of modern mansions in some of the most expensive (and celebrity stocked) zip codes in the United States.

Thanks to an informant we'll call I.M. Uhsnitch Your Mama has come to learn that Mister Bay recently opted to lighten his heavy real estate load and listed an airy contemporary tucked privately into a hilly slope in high-brow Montecito, CA with an asking price of $6,800,000. Our limited poke through publicly available online records did not turn up a purchase price for the property but considering that Mister Bay bought the somewhat secluded 1.3 acre estate way back in early 1997 we can all be assured he stands to make a small fortune upon the sale.

Listing information shows the voluminous mansion, designed by Santa Barbara-based architect Jan Hochhauser, measures 5,431 square feet and includes a total of 4 bedrooms and 4 full and 2 half bathrooms. The main house, an L-shaped cluster of square and rectangular masses of varying size, contains both of the half bathrooms and 3 of the bedrooms, each of which has an en suite terliting and bathing facility. The remaining bedroom and bathroom are located in the detached guest cabana perched in the tree tops off to one side of the swimming pool and spa.

A long gated drive winds up through the thickly treed grounds to a large motor court with front-facing attached three-car garage. A powerful pair of towering vertical planes of glass block partially shielded by a magnificent mature eucalyptus tree and a small steel awning mark the main entrance to the house. We know there will be many children who whine and complain about these massive glass block insets. Certainly Your Mama would not recommend a person do this in their house today, but perhaps this house is probably best seen through the architectural goggles of the early 1990s when the concrete, steel and glass residence was designed and built..

A slightly curved and sky lit foyer organizes and connects the main rooms on the lower level of the two story house. For better or worse, most of the floors in most of the house are covered in slate-colored tiles that we imagine are far more expensive and materially exclusive than that description makes them sound. At least one of the bedrooms has wall-to-wall carpeting and there is a chocolate brown hardwood floor inset into the prairie like floor in the family room.

Art gallery white walls are broken by broad swathes of sliding glass doors in the eat-in kitchen and living and dining room that all open to the multifunctional terrace that extends from the back of the house into the lushly landscaped yard and the panoramic views beyond.

The unusually vast family room, the architectural red meat of the residence, is defined by a pair of barrel vaulted sky lights set into the ceiling of the double height space, the high-drama sort of element one might more readily expect to find in a shopping mall and not in a mansion in Montecito. The room sits discreetly between the kitchen and garage/service areas of the house where it's almost divorced from the dramatic panoramic ocean vistas available from the rear of the house. For what it's worth–and it ain't worth a damn thing–Your Mama thinks the room has more in common architecturally with the frequent flyer lounge of an international airport than it does a private residence in one of the most expensive residential enclaves in all of California. That does not mean we hate the room. We don't. But is not, hunnies, let's be honest, an easy room to love iffin your idea of a perfect Friday night at home is curled up into a cozy corner with a book and a bowl of penny candy. We do, it shall be noted, appreciate the fireplace, built-in entertainment cabinets, wet bar, and adjoining shaded dining/barbecue patio that bring necessary human-scale elements to a room.
A quick perusal of the floor plan (above) shows the three upstairs bedrooms are privately situated in two wings connected by a balcony/bridge cantilevered out over the void above the family room beneath the barrel vaulted sky lights. One wing contains two family bedrooms, each with private bathroom and one with access to a substantial patio and rose garden on top of the garage. Privacy lovers will appreciate the master suite which occupies its own separate wing and includes a large bedroom with sitting area plus two private balconies, one that overlooks the motor court and another that juts out over the dining terrace below and provides unimpeded views of the Pacific Ocean and the outline of the Channel Islands along the horizon. The attached bathroom features separate sinks and vanities, terlit cubby, exercise area and two walk-in closets of generous proportions. The jetted soaking tub and shower both have direct ocean views through a wide band of glass that framelessly wraps around the outside corner of the shower.

The lower level of Mister Bay's Montecito mansion opens seamlessly to a u-shaped terrace with dining, lounging and sunbathing sections. The terrace, some sort of stone tile laid at a 45-degree angle to the house, has a narrow border of perfectly manicured lawn that wraps around an infinity edged swimming pool and inset spa.

A bantam studio-style guest/pool house offers an approximately 400 square foot sky lit living area with built in cabinetry, a wet bar, private bathroom, and a wall of floor to ceiling windows with views across the swimming pool to the ocean and Channel Islands in the far distance.

In addition to his no longer wanted mansion in Montecito Mister Bay also owns several posh properties in Los Angeles plus a thoroughly modern mansion in Miami Beach, FL that he bought in August 2007 for $17,000,000. The titanic 17,339 square foot pile sits directly on the Intracoastal Waterway and contains an astonishing 11 bedrooms and 11.5 bathrooms. It could be noted here that Mister Bay is single–or, at least, unmarried and without children. As far as Your Mama is concerned, 11 bedrooms and 11.5 bathrooms just seems so lonely for one person but we're funny that way maybe. Anyhoo, some of the children who have been around the celebrity real estate block a time or two with Your Mama may recall that Mister Bay bought his behemoth beach house in Miami from former professional wrestler turned showbiz fixture and frequent tabloid fodder Hulk Hogan. Mister Bay eventually had the monumentally-scaled house photographed for the glossy pages of Elle Decor.

In 1999, on the financial successes brought by The Rock in 1996 and Armageddon in 1998, Mister Bay shelled out a very a-list $5,160,000 for a boxy white contemporary crib with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms in 7,919 square feet in the real estate heart of Bel Air, directly north of the very posh Bel Air Country Club. Views over the Bel Air Country Club and Los Angeles.

In late 2005 the hot chick dater scooped up another residence in Los Angeles, this one west of the 405 freeway in the rustic Mandeville Canyon area between the Brentwood and Pacific Palisades communities. Property records shows the gated house–also a boxy white modern thing set into a thick stand of trees–measures a comparatively modest but hardly small 3,248 square feet with 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. We have no idea why Mister Bay bought a second luxury residence just a few miles from is other one in Bel Air but such are the sometimes inexplicable real estate ways of the rich and famous.

Perhaps not content with the two homes he already owned in Los Angeles, Mister Bay went house hunting again in 2009. We don't know how many houses he looked at but eventually he settled on an iconic and well-known low-slung contemporary in Bel Air built in 1951 and dramatically sited on a nearly five acre promontory on some of the most hallowed real estate grounds in all of Los Angeles.

Mister Bay purchased the spectacular if outdated compound for $10,900,000 from the estate of well-known and extraordinarily well-connected west coast philanthropist and socialite Marion Jorgensen and her previously deceased second husband, steel magnate Earle Jorgensen. Rumors immediately began to swirl through the real estate community that Mister Bay planned to raze the Jorgensen residence and replace it with his own version of multimillion dollar residential heaven. Your Mama isn't sure what exactly Mister Bay intends to erect on the site but we do know that he has indeed torn down the multi-winged single-story house and its various outbuildings that once contained a total of 7 bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms.

If all the boxy moderns that remain in Mister Bay's property portfolio are a hint as to what his new house in Bel Air might look like Your Mama would bet our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly there's a big boxy modern in the works with voluminous rooms and vast expanses of windows that blur psychological and actual divisions between the interior and exterior living spaces. We shall see, buttons, we shall just have to wait and see.

A little additional looking around on the interweb tells us we are not and hardly the first pony out of the gate at this particular celebrity real estate rodeo. C'est la vie, butter beans.

listing photos and floor plan: Sotheby's International Realty

Update: Birbaum Sues Gallin

Earlier today we passed along a scandalicious report from TMZ about Hollywood heavyweight Roger Birnbaum suing legendary talent manager turned high-end house flipper Sandy Gallin. Mister B claims the house he bought from Mister G back in 2007 now "leaks like a sieve" and he wants half a million dollars (or so) to make the appropriate repairs.



Your Mama just knew deep down in our dark heart this legal dispute was going to get bitterly vicious and we told the children to pop some popcorn and get ready for the fireworks. Sure enough, here they come, even sooner than we imagined and brighter than a supernova.



Ooo-wee, children. Brace yourselves. Mister Gallin may be a mincer but he's clearly not one to mince words when it comes to his real estate reputation. TMZ followed up with a second report that Mister Gallin filed a counter suit against Mister Birnbaum that positively hisses that '" [Birnbaum] is motivated by his well-known miserly and parsimonious behavior in his efforts to avoid paying for the roofing remodel himself, which he believes will increase the value of the property that is , embarrassingly to Birnbaum, worth less than what he paid for it.'''



Snap!

Kirstie Alley Wants to Sell Maine Estate

SELLER: Kirstie Alley

LOCATION: Isleboro, ME

PRICE: $2,350,000

SIZE: 3,371 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms



YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Every now and then Your Mama gets a ringy-dingy from a friendly snitch in a far off place we know little about who, for whatever reason(s), knows their celebrity real estate stuff backward and forward. Such was the case the other day when we awoke to a covert communique from an unknown informant we'll call Muffy Devareaux who tattled to Your Mama that Fat Actress and (once again) newly svelte Dancing With the Stars runner-up Kirstie Alley put her florid house in semi-remote Isleboro, ME on the market with an asking price of $2,350,000.



Public property records show Miss Alley's retreat on the rugged and dramatic coast of Maine was built in 1993, measures 3,371 square feet and that she acquired it in her own name in April 2003 for $1,150,000. Listing information, on the other hand, shows the 12-room clapboard-sided residence includes 5 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms in a suspiciously snug sounding 2,048 square feet. We don't know why the discrepancy in square footage but iffin we were the wagering type–and we're not–Your Mama would bet our long-bodied bitches Linda and Beverly both that Miss Alley's Isleboro hideaway is closer to 3,400 square feet than 2,000 square feet.



Once upon a time, in our long ago dewy youth, Your Mama occasionally visited Maine's gay-gay-gay seaside community of Ogunquit where our old and dear pal Flower's family owned a modest modernist cedar and glass summer home. Of course, being natural born contrarians, we only went north to Maine in the late fall and early winter when all the sunbathers had retreated like the tide back to whatever east coast community they called home during the more inclement months of the year. As much as we loved our trips to Maine, the truth is, we rarely ventured farther than the back yard so we know precious little about Maine in general and even less about the upscale summer enclave of Isleboro. A few minutes research on the interweb did teach Your Mama that the somewhat remote and very quiet community is accessible only by ferry or private plane, has long been a gathering spot for rugged blue bloods, Mayflower lock-jaws and various other wealthy folks, and counts at least one other property owner besides Miss Alley who is both a famous actor and a committed Scientologist. Since at least the late 1990s John Travolta and his long-time wife Kelly Preston have owned a massive Tudor Revival style pile on Isleboro all done up and did over with a very traditional English Country house type day-core that was featured in a 1999 issue of Architectural Digest.



Miss Alley's Isleboro getaway, scenically sited on a mild slope above Jones Cove has a bone-chilling but oddly interesting girly-grandma day-core that looks to Your Mama like a kind of geriatric homage to the explosive (and expensive) mixy-matchy floral print and multicolored chintz extravaganzas that made high-class decorator Mario Buatta rich and famous. Well, at least he's famous in the persnickety world of nice, gay decorators, design critics and magazine/blog editors.



Anyhoo, we're not sure who might be responsible for the frilly and almost frighteningly feminine day-core at Miss Alley's shore side cottage in Maine but it all looks to Your Mama like the still-sexy-at sixty Miss Alley dispersed an army of wild-eyed and budget-unencumbered assistants to scour flea markets and yard sales up and down the eastern seaboard to fill the house with old-school doo-dads and gew-gaws that reach back into the days when women were expected to be happy homemakers and domestic dervishes who bake, vacuum and launder day in and day out with a frozen smile on their face, an apron around their waist, and a cloth-diapered baby on each their broad child-bearing hips.



The one-noted decorative style aside, listing information shows luscious wide-plank wood floors run throughout the main living areas which include a few sitting rooms–some with fireplaces and vaulted ceilings with exposed beams–an intimately-scaled formal dining room with built-in buffet, and a country kitchen with Viking brand and retro-style appliances, and old-school marble counter tops. Open shelving display Miss Alley's rather extensive looking pastel-colored collection of vintage glass- and dishware. An enviably gigantic pantry has a dee-voon vaulted pitched vaulted ceiling, vintage wash sink, portable center work island with butcher block counter top, and row after row of open shelves where Miss Alley displays dozens of vintage vases and various other breakable tchotchke.



Each of the bedrooms and bathrooms were given the same effusive and powdery cottage-style decorative rigamarole as the home's more public rooms. The sleeping chambers and terliting facilities all look to Your Mama like the sort of über-quaint high-end bed and breakfast we avoid like the plague. Bed and breakfasts are fine for those who prefer to take their temporary accommodations with a heavy dose of antique cuteness, either authentic or faux. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter just prefer something less decoratively saccharine and aggressively charming.



Anyhoo, beautifully and lushly maintained gardens surround the house as do various porches and decks that exploit Maine's temperate summertime weather. At one end of the house a covered porch with outdoor fireplace makes for a shaded spot from which to survey the grassy grounds that slope gently towards the water. A dining deck off the main living rooms at the rear of the residence offers a more direct and dramatic view of the coastline through a sparse stand of tall trees. For the record, Your Mama can be an absolute push over for brightly colored things and we're jelly-kneed with desire for the octagonal picnic table and we die for the yellow umbrella trimmed like Ronald McDonald with a vigorous red-orange scallop.



A pathway with hand-carved handrail slopes from the back deck to the secluded estate's 634 feet of water's edge where a narrow wood dock stretches out over the lapping waters to a floating dock perfect for sunbathing, fishing–if you like fishing, which we do not–and parking watercraft.



Naturally we don't have any idea why Miss Alley would want to unload her flagrantly feminine house in Isleboro but, perhaps she just wants to lighten her rather heavy, costly, and high maintenance real estate load.



Miss Alley's other known real estate holdings are significant and include (but are not limited to) a gated estate with a 6,958 square foot mansion originally built in 1931 and located in a prime section of the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles that she bought back in September 2000 for $2,998,000. In March 2008, property records reveal Miss Alley dropped $1,800,000 for a 7,948 square foot mansion with 10 poopers in Clearwater, FL. Clearwater might seem a slightly unusual locale for a Tinseltowner to own a huge home but Clearwater happens to be the spiritual headquarters of the Church of Scientology, the religion to which Miss Alley is famously affiliated. Property records also indicate that Miss Alley owns several homes in her native Wichita, KS as well as a 300-plus acre ranch spread tucked deep into a remote canyon outside of Ashland, OR.



listing photos: Legacy Properties / Sotheby's International Realty

Legal Brief: Birnbaum Sues Gallin

Hold on to your legal britches bitches because it seems pop music superstar Rihanna isn't the only high profile person in Hollywood engaged in an ugly legal dispute over (alleged) construction defects and water proofing issues at a multi-million dollar mansion in Beverly Hills (CA).



According to gossip juggernaut TMZ Tinseltown tycoon Roger Birnbaum, currently co-CEO and co-Chairman of MGM–recently filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court against talent manager turned high-end house flipper Sandy Gallin. Mister Birnbaum's suit claims that not only did his swanky Bev Hills house began to leak last winter but that there are also significant dry rot and rust issues. He's seeking, as per the peeps at TMZ, $500,000 to cover repairs and related costs.



Mister Gallin, as per prop records and previous reports, paid $5,350,000 for a run down residence on a squeezy .39 acre flag lot in the lower Benedict Canyon area in November 2005. He transformed the house into a 7,187 square foot contemporary farmhouse wrapped in gray shingles. Stylistically the house (shown above in listing photos) could comfortably be picked up and dropped on to a farm view parcel in the Hamptons. Mister Gallin sold the casual but sophisticated residence to Mister Birnbaum in May 2007 for $16,500,000.



Your Mama discussed Mister Birnbaum's Gallinified mansion at length back in April 2009 when, less than two years after he bought the it, he had a real estate change of heart and flipped the property back on the market with a $16,000,000 price tag. As of this morning Mister Birnbaum's real estate thorn in his side has been on the open market 871 consecutive days without a single price reduction.



Current listing information states the mini-estate is "of unparalleled quality, timeless design, the finest materials and accoutrements." Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Given the legal matters at hand we are certainly not about to pass judgement as regards to the quality of the house. However, Mister Birnbaum's lawsuit a priori calls this characterization of the house into question. If he thinks he's had a tough time selling this house for $16,000,000–and 871 consecutive days on the market with no price reduction does indicate he's had a real devil of a time unloading his albatross–then a publicized lawsuit that alleges the house has serious defects and construction flaws will not likely help his plight. He has, by his lawsuit, turned this "estate of unparalleled quality" into something of a fixer upper with at least half a million clams in necessary repairs.



Of course, all this judicial ugliness does not mean that someone won't still and shortly fall in love with Mister Birnbaum's fixer and pay through the nose to buy it. However, all this business does suggest that he just might not be able to sell it for nearly as much as he originally hoped.



Certainly Mister Gallin could quickly and quietly cough up half million clams and be done with the matter but Your Mama fully expects that he'll lawyer up for an honest to goodness real estate cat fight. At that risk of sounding like we're giddy with schadenfreude–we're really not–somebody pop some popcorn and grab some Good & Plentys because multimillionaires who sue the developers of their super pricey properties just might turn into a fascinating trend of cinematic proportions.



listing photos: Everett Fenton Gidley for Westside Estate Agency

Did Piazza Sell to Piven?

SELLER: Mike Piazza

BUYER: (allegedly) Jeremy Piven

LOCATION: New York City, NY

PRICE: $4,582,125

SIZE: 3,012 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms



YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The New York Post reports today that Entourage actor Jeremy Piven recently acquired an approximately 6,000 square foot duplex penthouse in the same swank New York City building where comedian and lefty-liberal agitator Jon Stewart owns a lofty spread. The Post goes on to report that Mister Piven's "Muscular & voluminous" new pad in the downtown neighborhood known as TriBeCa has three bathrooms, 1,800 square feet of outdoor space and "once belonged to former Mets slugger Mike Piazza."



Now children, with all due respect for our gossip compadres at The Post, some of the details they put forth quite simply do not add up. Buckle your mental safety belts, butter beans, we're going to try to use our pea brain to make some sense of the celebrity real estate matter and it gets a little confusing if you're not paying attention.



Back in November 2005 Mister Stewart sold his Greenwich Village apartment for $3,995,000 to sassy and way too tan Project Runway judge and fashion world queen Michael Kors and his new hubby Lance LePere. The Stewart family traded up into a sprawling two floor penthouse in TriBeCa that property records show measures 5,802 square feet, a number very close to 6,000 square feet. Old listing information for Mister Stewart's rather colossal crib states the 3 bathroom duplex has over 600 square feet of private terrace plus an additional 1,200 square feet of private roof space. That totals, as per our bejeweled abacus, 1,800 square feet of outdoor space, the exact amount mentioned in the Post's report this morning. As far as we can tell from our spin through property records, Mister Stewart's penthouse in TriBeCa was never owned by Mike Piazza. In fact, property records and other online reports show Mister Stewart purchased his jumbo penthouse from a quirky turtle collector named Richard Ogust. That's right, a turtle collector right in the heart of downtown New York City.



Anyhoo, the year before, in November (2004), the former catcher for the Mets paid $4,215,874 for the building's other, smaller duplex penthouse. Listing information and previous reports show Mister Piazza's penthouse measures 3,012 square feet and includes 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, and 968 square feet of outdoor space. The outdoor living areas of Mister Piazza's pad are divvied up between a glass-walled courtyard off the upper level master bedroom and two separate roof terraces connected by a spiral staircase and outfitted with a built-in all Viking brand outdoor kitchen and weatherproof speaker system.



In short, the peeps at the Post reported that Mister Piven purchased Mister Piazza's penthouse but the apartment details they offer clearly reference the (old and no longer active) listing for Mister Stewart's penthouse next door.



So, whose apartment did Mister Piven purchase? Mister Piazza's or Mister Stewart's? Well, puppeenuh weenas, we have heard zilch about Mister Stewart wanting to sell his penthouse and a few minutes research did not turn up an active listing for his downtown duplex digs.



What we did figure out is that Mister Piazza finally, recently, and at long last unloaded his TriBeCa penthouse that has been on and off the market since at least early August 2008 when he pushed the sleek and sexy bullpen on the market with an asking price of $6,800,000. The price tag quickly dropped to $6,500,000 and after six months on the (open) market the long and lean penthouse was de-listed in early 2009.



Property records and Property Shark show Mister Piazza sold his New York City white elephant in mid-June 2011. The buyer paid a ridiculously complicated $4,582,125. The new owner's identity is shielded behind a newly-minted limited liability company set up, it appears, for the express purchase of the airy apartment. Therefore and in all honesty we are unable at this point to directly connect Mister Piven to Mister Piazza's penthouse.



With all that nonsense in mind, just about all Your Mama can say with certainty is that prop records show Mister Piazza sold his penthouse for $4,582,125 in mid-June 2011. What we do not know for sure is if Mister Piven is the man behind the domestic limited liability company that bought the apartment. Despite the perplexing report in the Post, iffin Your Mama were the wagering type–and we're not–we'd double down on red that Mister Piven did buy Mister Piazza's penthouse. However we haven't the specific intel to make that claim. So, for now folks, Mister Piven's purchase is merely rumor and gossip as far as Your Mama is concerned. Perhaps he'll give us a ringy-dingy on our bedazzled and bedraggled princess phone to let's us know the complete what's what on the matter.



It's unlikely that Mister Piven really will give Your Mama a ringy-dingy–we're not stoopid after all–but we have no doubt whatsoever that we will soon receive an angry phone call and inevitable verbal lashing from our boozy ball-luvin' b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau whose loins burn like a brick oven for Mister Piazza. We know that as soon as ol' Fiona finds out Mister Piven may have purchased Mister Piazza's penthouse she's going to go 49 kinds of berserk. She will probably run into traffic, pee on some one's porch, and eat chicken feet slathered in kimchi. She will most certainly speak in tongues at an ear piercing volume. We fully expect that she will scream bloody murder through the telephone about the absolute vulgarity than an (allegedly) Mercury poisoned man-ho like Jeremy Piven might pollute sacred real estate space once occupied by the physical perfection that is Mike Piazza. Now, hunnies, listen. We are here to tell you that our Miss Trambeau is in no position to cast aspersions at Mister Piven. Beotch has a goddam revolving door on her studio apartment in San Francisco and we shudder to think of the number of goopy STDs Fiona's had over her long, long, loooong years of activity. But cast aspersion she most assuredly will, at length and with a vitriol that borders on mental illness.



Mister Piven has long called Malibu, CA home where back in July 2004 he coughed up $3,500,000 for an ocean front residence near Pepperdine University that the Los Angeles County Tax Man shows measures 2,424 and includes 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.



Mister Piazza and his former Playboy Playmate wife Alicia Rictor made a baby in 2007 and maintain an 8 bedroom and 9 bathroom mansion in Miami Beach, FL he/they bought in early 2008 for $10,000,000.



Uh-oh...Somebody run quick and get Your Mama a nerve pill and bring us a god damn gin & tonic–extra lime, please–because the phone is ringing and it's Fiona...



listing photos and floorplan: Brown Harris Stevens